Okay, this is mostly unrelated to post-baby fitness but I want to put it somewhere and this seems to be the best place for some reason. It's kind of a mini-vent/woe is me kind of post but I'm not sure anyone reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter. Haha! I have had this problem my whole life where I just suck at making friends and feel chronically alone. I'm the person who goes to a party hoping to meet new people, has a drink, watches everyone break off into groups who proceed to have a blast, and then I awkwardly leave. I make small talk, ask people how they are, etc., but there is something about me that people hate and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. I must be giving off some kind of crazy bitch asshole vibe that I am unaware of. I am missing the down-to-earth gene. I am horrendously introverted. I'm the person people will politely say hello to and then get away as quickly as possible. Maybe I smell? I assume my husband would tell me if I did, but maybe not? Anyway it's been like this for me for at least 15 years and I am out of ideas. Maybe it's because I'm not religious, I don't watch TV, I don't drink more than 1 drink because I hate being out of control, maybe there just isn't anything interesting enough about me that people want to be around? I don't know. But what I do know is that I mean well, I don't judge people, and I'm done trying to make friends. Unless someone can just tell me what is wrong with me so I can fix it, I'm going to just embrace my introverted self, love it, and enjoy being alone. I guess I can tie this to fitness because okay, I'm not dumb, I realize that no one cares if I run a mile in under 7 minutes or if I am back in a bikini. I know no one cares. Maybe I piss the hell out of people when I post about that stuff. It's just so I feel like I'm being held accountable, that's all. And in a crazy ideal world, I would meet others who want the same goals and we could support each other and cheer for each others' successes. But since there is that thing about me that people seem to hate, it's not quite working out that way. I'm pretty self-motivated though, so I can do without social media. I get no benefits whatsoever from putting myself out there and while some people are pretty nice to me, not one wants to actually be a friend. There is not one I would feel comfortable with joining in a group at a party or some kind of event. 15 years is long enough, so I'm done. I'm keeping facebook to see updates/schedule changes for Stroller Strong Moms and these blogs are really for me anyway, so I'm leaving it at that. I think I will be much happier this way and from the way it seems, so will everyone else I know. Cheers.
There are two things that have been pressing in my mind lately. Eating/diet and Confidence.
This week was not what I planned at all. It started great when I got up at 5:30am on Monday morning and got myself to the gym to start my plan. And then that evening I ran almost 6 miles. Yeah, I may have overdone it a bit that day because I am STILL SORE from that one day. I realized then that I am not strong enough to weight train daily, even if I do different muscle groups. It's too much. So I am going to build up to it by alternating my weight days with my long running days. I have kept up with my goal of running at least a mile a day though. In fact, today will be Day 20!
I did not lose weight this week. I actually gained a tiny bit of fat (nooooo!) and a bigger bit of muscle. I have decided to start doing front, side and back pictures in a bikini since I am completely embarrassed by it. The shorts and sports bra I was doing before look okay now, so we are getting into the nitty gritty. You can now see my lovely love handles and exactly what needs more work. No hiding in a bikini! Hopefully that will motivate me to push through my fatigue and toddler tantrums as I get closer to my goals. 
Total weight gained: 46 lbs
Weight lost: 42.2lbs Weight left to lose: 3.8lbs Fat %: 22.2 Muscle %: 39.4 Alright, I have hit a plateau, I can feel it. I am back down to 2 lbs above pre-pregnancy but feeling flabby. I have run every single day, but that's certainly not enough. I am very excited to start http://theunbabyblog.weebly.com/1/post/2013/05/my-new-plan.html on Monday! I think the resistance training will add a lot and I will start seeing some kind of results again. Like in any area of my life, if I am not seeing constant improvement, no matter how small, I will not be content. I am pumped to be going on a vacation in 3 weeks, but it will probably involve a bathing suit (AGH!!!!!) so I have even more of an incentive here. While I hate the idea of dieting, I think I am going to (for now at least) cut out the really terrible stuff, like fast food, fried foods, pastries and soft drinks. That shouldn't be too difficult. My dark chocolate will continue to be a staple as well as cheese and other similar delights. Okay, so it's time to see some real freakin results this week!
Total weight gained: 46 lbs
Weight lost: 43.4 lbs Weight left to lose: 2.6lbs Fat %: 22.1 Muscle %: 38.8 Even weeks later, this is what my poor toe looks like after running in shoes that didn't fit and ripped the toenail in the opposite direction (OUCH!) Time to cover it again with nail polish...
Well, I didn't escape two pregnancies without a few signature "tiger stripes" AKA STRETCH MARKS. It's just one of those things...you try to prevent it but then it happens and all you can do is shrug and say "Well, it happens." At first it was really hard for me to accept. Because in most cases, it's PERMANENT. Agh, I hate that freaking word. But you know what? It doesn't fucking matter. Does. Not. Fucking. Matter. It really doesn't look bad when you have sexy toned muscles. Sure, no one will mistake me for a childless 19-year-old next time I'm at the beach (either from the tiger stripes or more likely, from the two screaming children I will have glued to me) but it won't make me look in the mirror and vurp the way my fat does. Lord knows my pickin'-up-men days are LONG GONE too, so all that matters and will ever matter is how I feel. Thirty is comin' to get me this year, so I might as well buy my ticket and get on the train.
Right hip/side
As some people know, I went to the gym yesterday to meet with a personal trainer. My main goal was to learn how to come up with a routine for myself to add some resistance training to all the cardio I am doing. I was a little disheartened that the only way I will be able to come up with the information I need is by doing a minimum of 4-5 sessions with the trainer at $40 a pop, and then they want me to do some kind of long-term thing...In addition to the gym membership I am already paying for and my Stroller Strong Moms, that's just not going to happen. I realize that these trainers are very good at what they do and absolutely deserve to earn at least that amount, but I can't really do it right now. I was really hoping for someone who would just show me how the machines work, but they don't seem tone willing to do that without a lot of other stuff, so I will most likely be sticking to things I already know until I have enough time to watch all the YouTube tutorials. Fortunately, there are wonderful sites like Pinterest that have helped me tremendously in coming up with my own routine! I am very excited!
MONDAY- CHEST AND ABS DAY 
Elliptical
Chest workout:
http://www.igetitfrommymammablog.com/2013/01/need-lift.html?m=1 
Abs
9:30am Stroller Strong Moms
7:30pm Bridge to 10K TUESDAY- BACK DAY
6am Wake up and off to the gym! 
Treadmill
Back Workout
9:30am Stroller Strong Moms
WEDNESDAY- SHOULDERS DAY 
Elliptical
Shoulders
Abs
9:30am Stroller Strong Moms
7:30pm Bridge to 10k THURSDAY- LEGS DAY 
Treadmill
Legs
9:30am Stroller Strong Moms
FRIDAY- ARMS AND ABS DAY 
Elliptical
Arms
Abs
9:30am Stroller Strong Moms
7:30pm Bridge to 10K SATURDAY SUNDAY This was another annoying week because I actually gained a pound, bringing me up to 3 lbs over my pre-p weight. HOWEVER, it's also my...uh...monthly "girly situation" week (AKA "Emily gets fugly") so I should be grateful because I FEEL like I gained TEN pounds. Also, I discovered recently that the weight on the scale actually does fluctuate quite a bit before and after I feed the baby, and I also discovered that breast milk registers on my scale as body fat % and NOT as water %, which makes sense. So that is one thing that has been fairly inconsistent throughout this whole process, in terms of doing my weigh-in sometimes before and sometimes after feeding her. But the most important thing is the big picture. Weight and fat are being lost and I am getting thinner and stronger.
This week I had started my exciting journey and goal to run EVERY DAY. I have managed and today will be Day 7. Running a mile is so incredibly easy, and that is my minimum, so when I feel very sore or not well, that's what I do. Otherwise, I can do more. Yesterday was the Tumor Trooper 5K, which was great. I love to end my week with a race!
So goals this week include officially doing Bridge to 10K with a friend, squats, and ab work. OHHH and I made an appt at my gym with a personal trainer to come up with a good weight-lifting routine I can do a few days a week. I can't wait!
Total weight gained: 46 lbs
Weight lost: 42.6lbs Weight left to lose: 3.4lbs Fat %: 22.1 Muscle %: 39.4 Okay...I know I said that there wasn't anyone in particular that I want to look like or am jealous of, etc., but I saw this pic of abs pop up on my Instagram today and yep...I want THESE abs. I had some very similar to these when I was about 17 and dancing 20+ hours/week and not eating (none of which is possible today), but I think I can do it. I may have to actually watch what I eat...not amounts but actually what I eat. Eek, my biggest weakness! So that's something to think about. :P
Like most women I know, I suffer from occasional bouts of insecurity and extreme self-loathing. Speaking in a mostly-physical sense, I mean. For me there never actually seems to be a specific trigger. I truly do not get jealous of other women anymore...I used to but somehow I just stopped and I'm grateful for that! I don't aspire to be like anyone else... I just don't like the way I look. I wish I had blue eyes, I wish I was shaped differently, my teeth were better, my eyes were more symmetrical, my nose was smaller, I was taller, thinner, more muscular, I had better posture, different colored hair, etc. Most of that I can't change no matter what I do. But that whole "Learn to love yourself" thing has always been impossible for me. And I realize realistically that no one notices or cares AT ALL about how I look, so obviously it is entirely about what I have to see in the mirror everyday. My biggest enemy has always been myself. Since the first day I ever remember looking into a mirror (okay, I don't remember that first time), I have only seen the flaws. That's just how I am. Sometimes when I'm feeling weaker than usual, I complain about them (like right now), but if I'm strong, I manage to keep my mouth shut and people around me are much happier. But in my almost 30 years of life, I'm learning that I may never love myself, but I need to be a good example for my kids and particularly my daughter. People often ask me why I'm so crazy with my workouts right after having a baby and honestly, one of the main reasons is that I need to lose all the extra weight and get my body to a point where I don't openly say how disgusted it makes me when my daughter is old enough to understand. I'm hoping to at least feel in shape and strong, if nothing else. I have never in my life had the confidence that I want my daughter to have, and I will exercise my BEST acting skills to give her the tools she needs to be that way and to love herself. So the clock is ticking. I need to get my act together, try to get myself to a point where I can see myself without remarking negatively, and then work on spreading some kind of a positive vibe to her about herself that will surpass all negativity she encounters in her life from mean girls and boys and society. It will certainly be one of my greatest life challenges. I know this is all just the shallow stuff, but it is still tough anyway. I just want to finish this blog post by saying that I am very grateful for many things in my beautiful life, so please don't get me wrong. This is just a disease I'm learning to live with.
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