Like most women I know, I suffer from occasional bouts of insecurity and extreme self-loathing. Speaking in a mostly-physical sense, I mean. For me there never actually seems to be a specific trigger. I truly do not get jealous of other women anymore...I used to but somehow I just stopped and I'm grateful for that! I don't aspire to be like anyone else... I just don't like the way I look. I wish I had blue eyes, I wish I was shaped differently, my teeth were better, my eyes were more symmetrical, my nose was smaller, I was taller, thinner, more muscular, I had better posture, different colored hair, etc. Most of that I can't change no matter what I do. But that whole "Learn to love yourself" thing has always been impossible for me. And I realize realistically that no one notices or cares AT ALL about how I look, so obviously it is entirely about what I have to see in the mirror everyday. My biggest enemy has always been myself. Since the first day I ever remember looking into a mirror (okay, I don't remember that first time), I have only seen the flaws. That's just how I am. Sometimes when I'm feeling weaker than usual, I complain about them (like right now), but if I'm strong, I manage to keep my mouth shut and people around me are much happier. But in my almost 30 years of life, I'm learning that I may never love myself, but I need to be a good example for my kids and particularly my daughter. People often ask me why I'm so crazy with my workouts right after having a baby and honestly, one of the main reasons is that I need to lose all the extra weight and get my body to a point where I don't openly say how disgusted it makes me when my daughter is old enough to understand. I'm hoping to at least feel in shape and strong, if nothing else. I have never in my life had the confidence that I want my daughter to have, and I will exercise my BEST acting skills to give her the tools she needs to be that way and to love herself. So the clock is ticking. I need to get my act together, try to get myself to a point where I can see myself without remarking negatively, and then work on spreading some kind of a positive vibe to her about herself that will surpass all negativity she encounters in her life from mean girls and boys and society. It will certainly be one of my greatest life challenges. I know this is all just the shallow stuff, but it is still tough anyway. I just want to finish this blog post by saying that I am very grateful for many things in my beautiful life, so please don't get me wrong. This is just a disease I'm learning to live with.
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